**Note:** Through the whole monologue, try to act like Reese Witherspoon in "Legally Blonde", but with your own spin on it.**
Okay, so do you wanna know what I so totally don't get; is why every thinks us blondes are dumb! I mean, come on, who hasn't run the bases backwards, drinken consontrate thinking it was juice, or taken your car to the mechanic claiming it wouldn't start because you forgot to push in the brake I mean everybody has! (beat) Oh, you haven't? Then you're weird! Well, then you at least must have used the wrong end of the bat, put a car in reverse and tried to go forward, snored while you were awake, or asked someone where your purse was when it was really on your arm? You must have done one of those! (beat, stunned) You honestly haven't? Then you must have put sunglasses on your head, and forget they were there and bought new ones? (completely shocked) Oh, okay. Then, maybe blondes are different. (walks offstage then comes back on) But we're not dumb! (maybe do something really funny when you leave, like trip or soemthing)
***Please note: This monologue is for an OLDER teen/college student (not a 13 or 14 year old) In the past I've seen younger actresses atempt monologues like this and it looks ridiculus! So please, choose monologues that are age appropiate!. This involves the mention of sex and the character smokes***
(Claire is very upset and comes storming onto stage. She reconizes the audience as an old friends). Hey, hey there, do you remember me? (The friend obviously doesn't remember her). My name's Claire, Claire Bailey, we went to high school together (the friend remembers). Well, guess what happened to me today, just guess! On second thought never mind, 'cuz you never will! So, today my boss let me go early because she said I was doing a great job as usual. I decided not to tell Roy, remember that lug I dated in high school, that I was comming home; I figured I'd surprise him with chineese take-out. So, when I got home, to our appartment, and all of the lights were off, I didn't think anything of it. I turned on the lights and what did I see? Bra and undies and other skimpy clothes spread over my living room! The first thing that came to mind was my new $1,200 couch, and what kind of disgusting bodily fluids the owner of those cherrie undies had left (lights up cigarette, offfers one to friend). So I grab my heaviest frying pan and storm into the bedroom. I found Roy and the owner of those cherrie undies in my bed. They didn't move when I walked in, they just looked at me and continued to cuddle. But when I lifted up that frying pan, boy did they move across fast! The lady jumped out the window and Roy wrapped a towle around him and followed. I grabbed all of her clothes and tossed them into a pile out the window. I then went outside where they were standing, lit a match and burnt that woman's clothes to ashes! Haha, she'll have fun getting home now. I then told damn Roy that this five year relationship was over; for good! And stormed off and well, ended up here talking to you! (lights another cigarette). Jeeze, why do you look so scared?
(Talking to audience) Can I ask you something? (sigh) Okay, so there's this guy in my school, Ryan, and I really really like him. And he knows that I really like him too! But he doesn't like me. I so don't see why though. (be really full of yourself) Because even I have to admit, I know I'm hott, smart, funny (do really annoying laugh) And did I say hott and attractive? Anyway, so one day I went up to Ryan at his locker, and I was like "Hi, I'm Amber; and I like so totally know that you know that I like you. So I was wondering why, like, you don't like me?" Then Ryan did the cuttest thing ever! He takes off running down the hall and yells "Stalker!" I love a man who plays hard to get! I mean, I don't even see why he would call me a stalker. (Beat, then thinking) Okay, I'll admit. I followed him home one day from school signing at the top of my lungs (sing the title out really badly) "I Need You" by Lee Ann Rimes. So, the next day I texted him like 50 times saying how much fun we had had yesterday. But it turned out that I was actually texting his girlfriend, Kara. So yeah, they broke up the next day. Or, I'll send him romantic messages on AIM. I think he blocked me. Anyways, do you all think that I'm a stalker? (beat) You guys are mean! (storms off stage)